Alcohol Jokes

[Thagomizer]

A zebra, a wildebeest and a giraffe walk into a bar.  "The highballs are on me." said the giraffe.

[Rob Courtney]

I told my 8 year old son this tonight and my daughter who is 12 and loves dad jokes burst out laughing.

 

Did you hear about the man who had 5 willies?

His pants fitted him like a glove

[Thagomizer]

Two rocket technicians at Cape Canaveral were fixing a fuel leak on an experimental rocket.  One of them accidently caught a drop on his lip and swallowed it.  It was excellent – sort of like an expensive cognac.  He and his buddy spent the rest of the afternoon catching the drips and enjoying them.

The next morning the first guy woke up with the mother of all hangovers.  Soon the phone rang, and it was his friend from work.

“How are you feeling?” asked the friend.

“Awful.” moaned the technician. “I have a splitting headache; my eyeballs are scratchy; I have this putrid taste in my mouth; and I am somewhat nauseous.”

“Have you had an urge to fart?” the work friend asked.

“No… not yet, anyway,” replied the technician.

“Well, don’t!” his friend said.  “I’m calling from Albuquerque.”

[Steve Gyldenvand]

A drunk old man sitting in a bar watches a well-dressed young fellow walk in and ask the bartender for an 18 year old scotch. The bartender pours him a drink, but as soon as he tastes it, the customer says, "No, no, no, sir. This is a 12 year old. I asked for an 18." Mumbling an apology, the bartenders hustles off and returns with another glass. Taking a sip, the customer says, "well, that's better, but it's a 14, and I really want the 18." Without a word, the bartender retreats, returning forthwith carrying another drink. When the customer tastes it, he smiles warmly and says, "yeah, that's the stuff." The old drunk, having watched the entire scene, shakes his head in wonder and walks out of the bar, only to return a minute later carrying a bottle in a brown paper sack. Handing it to the scotch-lover, he slurs, "here ya go, fella, try this." Tilting the bottle to his lips, the gentleman immediately spits out the sip, exclaiming, "oh my god, man, that tastes like p*ss!" "Very good," the drunk replies, "now tell me how old I am."

[Steve Gyldenvand]

An Asian guy steps up to a bar along side of a big fella and starts drinking. The big guy says, "Hey, you know any of them martial arts, like Kung Fu or Karate?" The Asian guy replies, "Wow, that's pretty racist. You think just because I'm Asian, I must practice martial arts?" "No," says the big dude, "I asked because you're drinking my f***ing beer!" 

[Rob Courtney]

[Rob Courtney]

[Steve Gyldenvand]

A guy is driving through some out-of-the way country when he spots a small store beside the road. Stopping for a snack, he enters the store and after finding a couple items, he approaches the checkout counter. There, the old man who owns the place is waiting, and behind him are wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling shelves stocked with nothing but bottles of vermouth. 

"Wow," says the customer, "You must sell an awful lot of vermouth."

The old man glances over his shoulder for a moment, the slowly shakes his head and says, "No. No, not really. Now, the guy I buy it from? There's a fella that sells a lot of vermouth."