Alcohol Jokes

[Thagomizer]

A zebra, a wildebeest and a giraffe walk into a bar.  "The highballs are on me." said the giraffe.

[Rob Courtney]

I told my 8 year old son this tonight and my daughter who is 12 and loves dad jokes burst out laughing.

 

Did you hear about the man who had 5 willies?

His pants fitted him like a glove

[Thagomizer]

Two rocket technicians at Cape Canaveral were fixing a fuel leak on an experimental rocket.  One of them accidently caught a drop on his lip and swallowed it.  It was excellent – sort of like an expensive cognac.  He and his buddy spent the rest of the afternoon catching the drips and enjoying them.

The next morning the first guy woke up with the mother of all hangovers.  Soon the phone rang, and it was his friend from work.

“How are you feeling?” asked the friend.

“Awful.” moaned the technician. “I have a splitting headache; my eyeballs are scratchy; I have this putrid taste in my mouth; and I am somewhat nauseous.”

“Have you had an urge to fart?” the work friend asked.

“No… not yet, anyway,” replied the technician.

“Well, don’t!” his friend said.  “I’m calling from Albuquerque.”

[Steve Gyldenvand]

A drunk old man sitting in a bar watches a well-dressed young fellow walk in and ask the bartender for an 18 year old scotch. The bartender pours him a drink, but as soon as he tastes it, the customer says, "No, no, no, sir. This is a 12 year old. I asked for an 18." Mumbling an apology, the bartenders hustles off and returns with another glass. Taking a sip, the customer says, "well, that's better, but it's a 14, and I really want the 18." Without a word, the bartender retreats, returning forthwith carrying another drink. When the customer tastes it, he smiles warmly and says, "yeah, that's the stuff." The old drunk, having watched the entire scene, shakes his head in wonder and walks out of the bar, only to return a minute later carrying a bottle in a brown paper sack. Handing it to the scotch-lover, he slurs, "here ya go, fella, try this." Tilting the bottle to his lips, the gentleman immediately spits out the sip, exclaiming, "oh my god, man, that tastes like p*ss!" "Very good," the drunk replies, "now tell me how old I am."

[Steve Gyldenvand]

An Asian guy steps up to a bar along side of a big fella and starts drinking. The big guy says, "Hey, you know any of them martial arts, like Kung Fu or Karate?" The Asian guy replies, "Wow, that's pretty racist. You think just because I'm Asian, I must practice martial arts?" "No," says the big dude, "I asked because you're drinking my f***ing beer!" 

[Rob Courtney]

[Rob Courtney]

[Steve Gyldenvand]

A guy is driving through some out-of-the way country when he spots a small store beside the road. Stopping for a snack, he enters the store and after finding a couple items, he approaches the checkout counter. There, the old man who owns the place is waiting, and behind him are wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling shelves stocked with nothing but bottles of vermouth. 

"Wow," says the customer, "You must sell an awful lot of vermouth."

The old man glances over his shoulder for a moment, the slowly shakes his head and says, "No. No, not really. Now, the guy I buy it from? There's a fella that sells a lot of vermouth."

[Thagomizer]

A man is hitchhiking on a lonely road.

After a good while an old beat-up truck stops and picks him up and after a couple of minutes of small talk the driver asks the man if he wants some booze.  Sure, he says and gets handed a bottle.  When he tries to drink it the smell of bad moonshine overwhelms him and he declines the drink. The old man driving just steps on the brakes and pulls a shotgun and screams, "Now, you drink or I'll blow your head off."  The guy does what he's told and takes a steady sip.  After that, the old man says, "Good, now you aim at me so I can have a drink too."

[Thagomizer]

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEOS then ask him, why aren’t you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: “If you guys aren’t drinking beer than neither will I.”

[Rob Courtney]

Guy walks into a bar and orders 5 whiskies and when they are put down in front of him he sculls one after the other until all five are downed

The barman says "Woah mate steady on, you're drinking way too fast"

The guy looks at him and says "you'd drink like this too if you had what I have"

The barman looks at him and says "why, what do you have"

and the guy says "75 cents"

[Thagomizer]

What’s the difference between an alcoholic and a stoner?

The alcoholic will run the stop sign. The stoner will wait for it to turn green.

[Thagomizer]

A man walks in an Alaskan bar and shouts, “Free beers outside!”

So, everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.

The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man, “What did you do that for? Now I have no customers!”

The man says, “Sorry mister, I honestly didn’t fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of 'em.”

Edited July 2, 2024 by Thagomizer

[Thagomizer]

A fellow walks into a bar and orders three beers.
The bartender gives him a strange look but serves him his drinks. The fellow takes them to a booth, clinks them together, and drinks them all.

He then goes back to the bartender and orders another three beers, which he proceeds to drink in the same fashion.

On his third round, the bartender can't help but ask him "excuse me sir, I couldn't help but notice that you order your drinks in threes, if you don't mind telling me, I was wondering why that is"

The fellow grins and says "Well, I just moved here from my hometown. When I and my two best mates split ways, we agreed that we'd always have a drink for each other when we went out, so that we always drink together." The bartender nods understandingly and serves him his drinks.

The fellow keeps up this routine, coming to the bar at least twice a week and ordering three drinks at a time.

One day the fellow walks in, solemnly makes his way to bar, and orders two beers. The patrons and the bartender all see this, and they assume that something terrible has happened to one of his friends. However, they don't want to disturb him in his time of grief, so they refrain from asking him anything.

When he goes to order his second round, the bartender can't help but remark "I'm so sorry for your loss". The fellow looks up and says "My loss!? What in tarnation are you talking about?"

The bartender says "Well when you bought two drinks, I assumed that one of your friends had passed"

The fellow laughs and says "No, nothing of the sort. I quit drinking is all".

[Rob Courtney]

[Steve Gyldenvand]

3 hours ago, Rob Courtney said:

I remember her. Her name was Eileen.

[Rob Courtney]

I have like 2 jokes on this but yeah

[Thagomizer]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “That would be my wife.”

[Thagomizer]

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a Martinus.”

The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, “Don’t you mean a Martini?” “Look,” Caesar replies. “If I wanted a double, I’d have asked for it!”

[Rob Courtney]

15 hours ago, Thagomizer said:

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a Martinus.”

The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, “Don’t you mean a Martini?” “Look,” Caesar replies. “If I wanted a double, I’d have asked for it!”

Reminds me of the joke about...

 

A Roman Centurion walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up at the barman and says "Five beers thanks Barman":

[Steve Gyldenvand]

A blind man walks into a bar, takes a seat, orders a beer, and then says, "Hey, anyone want to hear a blonde joke?" The bartender strolls over and in a quiet tone says, "Listen fella, before you continue you may want to know, this is a lesbian biker bar. I'm blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and those two big gals shootin' pool are both blonde. Are you sure you wanna tell that joke?" The guy considers a moment, then shakes his head. "No," he says, No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it four times."

[Thagomizer]

Two unarmed hikers were strolling across the Alaskan countryside.  They noticed that from downwind, a large, Grizzley bear was following them.  One of the hikers immediately dropped his backpack and pulled out a pair of running shoes and proceeded to don them.  His partner scoffed at this, reminding him that he could not possibly outrun this bear.

The first hiker replied, as he laced up his running shoes, “I don’t have to outrun that bear.  I just have to outrun you."

[Steve Gyldenvand]

[Steve Gyldenvand]

[Thagomizer]

A Dark Story

In the early part of the 20^th century, there was vigorous (USA) government action to curtail illegal distillation of ethanol.  The “Revenuers” as known as they were referred to, were Federal Agents assigned to busting up illegal “stills” and arresting the operators for tax evasion.  There were two problems: (a). a legitimate problem of protecting the public from poisonous and poorly made “moonshine”, and (b) the loss of revenue from not paying the exorbitant Federal tax on distilled goods.  (I suspect that the latter was the critical issue.)  It is noted that some operators of these illegal “stills” considered themselves well within their rights as American citizens.  To them, bad law need not be obeyed.  (Always a problem in attitudes toward a government.)

This story involves a young, ambitious “Revenuer” who wanted to make a significant career mark by making a large strike in busting up a significant “still.”  He had not considered that some of the more remote “professional” stills may be defended.

He appeared in the small Appalachian town in his starched khakis with badge and started interrogating townsmen.  Not surprisingly, he got no useful information other than it would be good for him to be gone.  Finally, he attracted the attention of an adolescent young man and successfully engaged him in conversation.

“Do you know of any “stills” on the mountainside?” asked the revenuer.

“I sure do.” replied the boy.

“I’ll give you a dollar if you tell me where they are.” said the revenuer.

“Sure.  I’ll give you a map.  Where is the money?” asked the boy.

“Here is 50 cents.  I’ll give you the rest when I get back if you have been honest with me.” Said the revenuer.

“But you aint comin’ back!”  Shouted the boy.